ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
