Ambien. No doubt about it.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
