Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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