i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
