They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
