Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
