Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Randomize
