Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I supernannyed him into submission
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
