He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
