I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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