You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
