This is not my ceiling
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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