i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
