it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
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He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
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I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Bring me that man meat
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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