It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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