I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
