I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
