im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
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If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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