Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
