I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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