i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
