I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
