Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
