Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
