Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
