I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
