After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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