haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
40s are totally the cure
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
