I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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