whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We were destined to go to rehab together
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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