When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
