It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
