she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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