Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
