Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
