addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
