so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
