Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
