Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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