come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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