so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
