i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
