fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
