I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
