if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
