The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
