maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
