my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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