My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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