it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
