You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
