also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
