Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
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I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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