it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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