My liver just broke up with me...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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