I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
two words...techno handjob
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
